Next Time You’re Losing It

So.

Next time you think you can’t possibly take One. More. Thing.

Next time you are almost ready to lose your cool and say all the ugly things you’re thinking.

Or next time you hear that little voice in your head saying that you are a bad friend, parent, or person.

Stop with me for just a minute.  Take two steps backwards and three deep breaths. Then ask yourself what one thing is bothering you most right now. Oh, I know, it feels like everything is bothering you, it’s all wrong, your world is a mess. But look for that one thing. I’m pretty sure it isn’t really that you hate your life. It’s not that you’re always late or that your body is all the wrong shape and size. And it’s not true your kids are little monsters. Slow down.  And ask yourself for the truth right now.

Truth is rarely found after words like always, never, and hate.  Instead of “I hate my life,” truth might sound like, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now because I have so much to do to get ready for the party next week, what he said to me last night hurts, and I’m behind on sleep.”  Instead of thinking “I’m always late,” the truth might be “I’m really disappointed because I am running late for that coffee date with a friend and I’m embarrassed.”  Instead of “my body is the wrong size,” it might be that “I’m frustrated because I can’t find anything in my closet to wear tonight that I feel good in.”

And when you understand your reality you can usually do something to make it better.  Always, never and can’t are really hard to improve, but when you know that this is bothering me now, chances are you can do something about it.

A while back I heard myself thinking, “I hate being a Mom.  I really did NOT sign up for all of this.”  I stopped because I knew that was not true.  And when I slowed down and looked for the truth it was much less dramatic.  I was hungry and tired.  The three kids I was sharing my kitchen with were also hungry and tired.  I was trying to make some tomato soup and the clock and my tired brain and the cranky kids all said I was late and I was feeling guilt because if I had done a better job and started on time we’d be fine.  I couldn’t in that minute stop being a mom (thankfully!) but I could do things that made my actual situation better.  I can put the kids at the table with apple slices to eat while they wait and instead of wasting mental energy feeling guilty and stressed I can just keep doing the next thing and the next thing and the next thing until I am done. Of course we will eat.  It will all be fine.  I will feel happy and calm again.  This moment does not define my life or my parenting.

So, breathe, friends, and look for the truth.