This is maybe my favorite post in the series, at least my favorite idea; and I saved it for last–way, way, way last. I’m sorry. I dropped you all. We took a wonderful family vacation and I let this go. We came home and I still let this go. I got back to writing and then didn’t finish up the post. I missed being here, missed thinking and writing and hearing from you. I’m so glad to be back. I still don’t know how to make writing happen here regularly.
Your soul is amazing and deep and created beautifully in the image of God. Your body is incredible in its ability to do and become and learn. This is being human.
When we lose the wonder of our being, we lose our ability to live well. We lose our ability to love well. When we lose the wonder we think of ourselves like cars that can go indefinitely with gasoline and oil changes, instead of like trees that need care and time and sunshine.
You are not a machine. Touch your skin right now. Do it. Wonder at the aliveness there, the softness, the feeling, how it protects you and grows without you even thinking about it. Flex your foot, clench your jaw, feel the movement and strength. Hold still and think about your shoulders, your back, your face. Are they tight and tired like mine?
Close your eyes for a minute and think about the emotion in your soul right now. What makes you glad today? What is bothering you? Are there places you are afraid, tired, worn? Are there places you feel strong and alive and free? How are you doing today? Really.
Becoming alive and whole happens when we listen to what is happening inside, when we know we have limits, when we understand what feeds us and what tires us. Your body is amazing, but it isn’t the Engergizer Bunny. Listen to what it says. Your mind and heart are have great capacity, but probably they’re deeper than you realize and not as broad as you think.
There are endless options of places to spend your time and thoughts and energy. You don’t reach to all of them. Don’t try. In fact, please try hard not to reach to all of them. You get to choose, you need to choose where you spend yourself. Being permanently busy and a little (or a lot) tired is so completely normal in our world that it feels inevitable. We forget that it’s not the way things were meant to be, not a good way to become human.
I have a dream of fitting comfortably into the shape of my life, a dream of not feeling stretched and harried and tired most of the time. A dream of liking what I do and doing (mostly) what I like.
Living like that means listening to my limits. Listening even when I don’t like them. Even when they don’t look like I think other people’s do. I don’t like being able to have only one cup of coffee per morning. I don’t like feeling tired and washed out after spending time in crowded, noisy spaces. I don’t like that I don’t usually function well under pressure. I don’t like feeling like a non-person when I haven’t had time alone where my thoughts are just my own and not a response to another person or a to-do list. Other people don’t fight off tears or work hard to make a coherent thought just because they’re hungry and haven’t slept enough. Other people know what they think and how they feel about something without waiting twenty-four hours to process.
But I am not other people. I live in this body, and I function with this mind and emotions and history. I have my abilities and gifts and those come with a particular shape and they come with edges. Living well as a human happens only when I live within the reality of those limits. So I stick to one cup of coffee, I try to eat protein throughout my day, and if I have a event that means sensory overload for me, I try for some quiet the next day to recover.
Where are your limits? What is it that pushes you past the edge of being happy, rested, and productive? What are things you do that suck joy and passion? Where are places where you can learn to listen?
I can identify with so much of this.
I have a dream too. I dream of a Me whose home is a sanctuary. Where I communicate well with my family. Where I’ve learned to stay up with my dishes and laundry, and where I don’t have stuff growing in my bathrooms. Where I entertain freely and joyfully. (I have no aspirations of serving all meals on China or dishing out my ice cream into a serving bowl ahead of time, but I would like to be calm and gracious and have my spaghetti cooked when my guests come. Unless they like cooking with us…?) It’s possible I’m a dreamer.
But I love what that girl with the fabulous dreads said that night at Q Commons. Envision your ideal day. How would you like to wake up? What would you like to accomplish on a given day? Then take one step, make one change at a time that brings that vision closer to becoming reality. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither are we. And that’s ok, as much as we still cling to our dreams. ?
Love your dream, Kendra. I know all about the wanting to be a gracious, prepared hostess. I know, too, how much we loved coming to your house even when the pork chops weren’t ready to go on the grill when we got there.
I remember that thought from the girl with dreads. The encouragement to look first at what you want is so good, and then take one small step at a time. And sometimes the next step is letting go of something that doesn’t serve you well.
Yes
Oh, I love this. It’s been one of the most earth-shattering ideas to me–to come to terms with my limits. And it’s so refreshing to think that God is ok with my limits–that He actually doesn’t expect me to be a machine. You know that’s what I’ve heard Him say to me most clearly: You are not a workhorse; you are My daughter.
For me, I’ve realized that if I spend 2 or more evenings in a row away from home, I feel out of control with daily chores, dishes, eating healthy, etc. It’s really important to us that we meet with friends, go to small group, etc., but we’ve had to designate 2 weeknights at home with no plans except cooking, cleaning up, reading, watching an episode of Gilmore Girls, and maybe a going on a spontaneous coffee date. 🙂
And I’ve also realized that, even though I love to say yes to everything, having 2 or more overlapping plans means I’ll probably be unable to enjoy either one. Because usually, it means I’m leaving one early or rushing the other one late, only thinking about the time and the rush of it all instead of being where I am.
Thank you, Bethany. I want to share this post with the whole world. So, so good and necessary.
I love you’re creating space in your life to match the shape of your soul.